what now

i've started and stopped with blogging more times than i care to remember. do my choices change because i stop blogging or do i stop blogging because my choices change? one thing i have noticed is that it seems that ultimately, the people who find the most success blog regularly... even when they're making less than stellar choices or the number on the scale is going in the wrong direction.

and here i sit in the airport... waiting on the plane that will take me on a 2 week vacation. and suddenly i'm feeling compelled to bring this blog to life. 2 weeks of eating out for pretty much every meal. 2 weeks of drinking... and i'm not talking about water. 2 weeks of wandering around foreign countries. and 2 weeks of trying to make the best of all of the above... and writing about it!

i haven't stepped on the scale in a while, but the last time i looked i was in the 235-240 range. that's a gain of 50-55 lbs since my lowest adult weight back in april 2005. but since i want to have a positive outlook, that also means that i've manage to keep off 70-75lbs for more than 5 years. post vacation will be a new before... time to get serious about being healthy again. because what i've been doing for the last couple of years just isn't cutting it!

next stop... london!

day 4... done!

activity target - check
steps target - check
calorie burned target - check
calories consumed target - check

that makes 4 awesome days for me! i'm all packed and ready for the weekend at the beach... unfortunately, it looks like the weather is going to make those long walks i've planned very soggy! oh well, guess that's just one of the hazzards of living in the beautiful pacific northwest!

i'm trying to figure out how i'm going to get enough activity tomorrow. there will definitely be walking on the beach in the evening, but that's about the only chance to move i'm going to get. if i don't hit it, i'm not going to beat myself up... just means i'll have to work out harder on saturday and sunday!

and on that note, i'm completely exhausted so i'm going to call it night. next time you see me, i'll be oceanside!

3 in row... shall we make it 4??

today i proved to myself that i CAN do this... even when my day doesn't go exactly as planned. i didn't PLAN to have to deal with 15 year old step-daughter drama and to not get home until almost 8. but i DID plan to hit my calorie burn target! so when i finally got home, i made the dinner i had planned and then took myself and the dog for the walk i had planned. about 3 minutes after leaving on my walk, my bodybugg told me that i had met my activity target of 1 hour for the day. about 5 minutes before i got home from my walk, bodybugg told me i had met my step target of 10,000 for the day. and about a minute after that my calorie burn for the day was met!

tomorrow i'm going to make it a 4 day streak and hit the gym for my cardio before work. it's going to be a busy day, but i find that my days have been better since my eating and exercise has been on track... funny how that works! i've also been thinking about my weekend at the beach and how i'm going to manage my food and exercise there as well. i don't want to have to pack my kitchen scale with me, so i'm going to pre-portion my meals so they're ready to go. it's just as easy to set myself up for success as it is to give myself excuses to fail! so for this trip to the beach i'm not going to make my usual mistake and fail to plan... because we all know what happens when you do that!!

so tomorrow will be busy... lots to get done at work and lots to get done to get ready for the weekend. but i know i can get it all done... because that's what i need to do to take care of ME... and i'm worth it!

yesterday and today

yesterday was a busy day... good... but busy. i had a great workout with my trainer and took the dog for a walk when i got home... just like i had planned. and my eating was good, too! it felt good to be taking care of myself again.

today was a planned cardio day at the gym. when i was making my schedule the other day, i was planning to hit the gym AFTER work. the more i thought about it, the more that seemed like a bad idea, so i went BEFORE work. i did 45 minutes on the elliptical/crossramp, then a cool down and stretching. and i have to say that it felt good to know it was done! my schedule was off for the rest of the day and i didn't end up having lunch until almost 3:30. yes, i was starving, but i stuck with my plan and didn't go crazy. then i had a snack at 6:30 because i was still at work. now it's a bit after 8 and i need to get dinner ready or i'll be up all night!

tomorrow is another workout with my trainer and another walk with the dog after work. i can't remember the last time i hit my calorie burn target 3 days in a row... so that's my goal for tomorrow!

it feels good to take care of me again... i just have to keep it up!

really??

it looks like it might finally be summer around here, and sadly, my shorts from last year are now too tight. i haven't bought myself clothes in a while, so i decided to just bite the bullet and go shopping... not my favorite thing to do. at my lowest weight (5 years and 50lbs ago) i was wearing a size 14/16 bottom and medium top... today, i had to buy size 20 bottoms and xl tops. i hate it. and i'm so angry at myself for letting this happen. yes, i've managed to keep off 75lbs for 5 years, but it's hard to feel successful when my pants are all too tight!

there are many reasons why i gained so much weight, but the biggest reason is that i stopped putting myself first. i put my husband first. i put my job first. but me... i've been on the back burner. and that has to stop. i did it before, and i was really successful... i just have to find my way back and do it again!

first thing that needs to happen is that i need to get back to the gym! for the past few years, pretty much the only time i'm at the gym is the 2 days a week that i'm working out with my trainer. i can't remember the last time i lifted weights on my own! and as much as i love my walks with my dog, it's just not enough! so i need to make a schedule for myself that includes at least 1 day of lifting on my own and 4 days of cardio. and with that new plan in mind, i bought myself some new workout clothes, so i can't use that as an excuse any more.

the other thing that i need to do is get back to journaling... every day.

here's my plan for working out this week:
monday - weights with trainer & walk with dog
tuesday - spin or elliptical
wednesday - weights with trainer & walk with dog
thursday - spin or elliptical
friday - long walk on the beach
saturday - weights on my own & long walk on the beach
sunday - efx elliptical crosstrainer

friday & sunday are going to include 2-3 hours in the car because we're heading out for a weekend at the beach, but there's a gym about a mile from where we're staying that i've never used before... and i think it's about time i checked it out!

next update... tomorrow

non negotiable

i pretty much let this blog go and had decided i was going to blog elsewhere. but in reality, i just stopped blogging... and clearly that's not working for me!

i'm struggling. really struggling. cardio has fallen to the wayside more often than not. eating out has led to some fairly consistent poor decisions. drinking has led to more poor decisions. and the scale is more than happy to remind me that i've been making poor decisions... so i've been avoiding the scale almost as much as i've been avoiding doing my cardio!

so how do i get myself out of it? the hubby is out of town until friday, so i have this week to really focus on myself. i NEED a routine. i NEED a schedule. i NEED to get my head back in the game... for good! oh... and i NEED to quit smoking... again!

for today, i'm going to focus on making good food choices and getting some cardio.

it's not all about the scale

i've been working out with my new trainer for a month now, so today we took measurements again. i knew i wasn't going to have a big loss, because as we know, january had a little rough patch. the last time we measured was four weeks ago and since then i've GAINED 2 lbs of muscle and LOST 5 lbs of fat. my body fat % also went down by about 2% and i lost inches all over... though it was mostly in my upper body. overall, i'm happy with my progress. yes, i'd like to get this weigh off as quickly as possible... overnight would be great! but i know that doing what i'm doing now is the RIGHT was, so i'm content with slow and steady.

anyway, after measurements it was time to lift weights. have i mentioned how much i'm loving my new trainer? not only is he a sweet guy... but he works me out so hard that i'm achy for days!! after we were done it was time for my hour of spin class. i'm really enjoying that, too! i think the best part is that it doesn't get easier per se... i'm just able to push myself harder!

my eating has been solid this week. i've got a birthday party on saturday for my friend's baby, so that'll be my first real challenge for the week. i can say no to the cake, i'm more concerned about the other food since the party is 12-2 (aka, lunchtime). then sunday is the superbowl. i'm not sure yet if we're going to watch at home or go watch with friends. if we're home, no problem! but if we go out, i need to decide that it's really ok to be in that situation and not drink... it's the drinking that gets me.

saturday is supposed to be my interval day, but since it's shaping up to be a busy day, i'm planning to move it to sunday (the game isn't until 3:30, so i've got plenty of time!).

i pulled out my response and advantage cards yesterday, but then didn't read them today. i really need to work on getting in the habit of doing that again... they really do help!

on track

i'm happy to say that i'm on track with my exercise so far this week. yes, it's only tuesday... but it still counts!! i had my workout with my trainer yesterday & walked with the pup last night. today i'm super sore from the workout, but still managed to make it to the gym for my intervals. i hope those start getting easier... but easier or not, i'm going to keep at it!

food has been good as well. but i'm starting to wonder if i'm the only one who has a go to menu. i eat the same thing from breakfast pretty much every day... and i enjoy it. lunch during the work week is the same... even the weekly lunch out with friends is the same. weekend lunches are a bit of a crap shoot, because i tend to forget to plan for them... but i'm working on that. dinner is where i have the most variety, but lately that's changed. the husband doesn't eat fish, and after a wicked bout of the stomach flu (with onset post chicken dinner) he's off chicken too. there's only so much i can do with beef, so i've come up with my go to dinner. and looking back at my food last week, i had 3 days that were virtually identical... and yesterday & today are repeats, too. i'm eating foods that i enjoy and i'm feeling satisfied... but is it a bad thing to be eating the same things all the time??

i still haven't pulled out my response & advantage cards... i really need to get back on that. thankfully, i haven't really NEEDED them, so yay for me feeling good!

and since yesterday was official weigh in day, i was down 1 lb when i got on the scale this morning. that's fine... i'm expecting february to be a good month!

February 1, 2010

time for the monthly weigh in.

1/1/10 - 228.0
2/1/10 - 227.4

so for the month of january, i managed to lose a whopping .6 lbs. i will admit that there's a part of me that's disappointed in myself, but i'm choosing not to focus on that and rather focus on what i learned.

taking a week off from healthy eating can undo 3 weeks of making good choices. that's not really an earth shattering revelation, but it's a fact that i need to keep myself aware of. i think we all play those games with ourselves... i can make up for these bad choices tomorrow, or next week, or whenever. but the reality is that we can't get that time or those choices back, so there's really no making them up. every time i put something in my mouth, it's a choice. every time i get up and move, it's a choice. so my goal for february is to stay aware of my choices and to really OWN them!

february will definitely have it's share of challenges. my husband's birthday is next week, so that's more than likely going to mean a nice dinner out. then we're out of town for the valentine's/presidents day weekend, so i will not be preparing my own foods, nor will i have access to the gym. so there are 5 days that i KNOW will require me to make the best choices possible, even if they're not what i would do at home, but i WILL make the best of them! i've also committed to a fairly aggressive workout schedule to prepare for the st paddy's day dash. with the exception of when i'm travelling, my weeks are going to look like this:

sunday - 2 mile brisk walk
monday - strength training & 2 mile brisk walk
tuesday - 1 hour intervals on treadmill
wednesday - 2 mile brisk walk
thursday - strength training & spin class
friday - 2 mile brisk walk
saturday - 1 hour intervals on treadmill

the 2 mile walks aren't too bad. they usually take me about 35 minutes or so. lots of hills and i definitely get my heart rate up, but it's nothing like the treadmill intervals... those kill me!!

since part of my january problem came from being off schedule with my trip, i need to figure out how to make sure i have the groceries i need when i get home, so i can get right back in the swing of things! we don't get home until midnight monday, so grocery shopping when i get home is out of the question. i may just take the day off on tuesday (or at least part of the day) so i can go grocery shopping in the morning... that's probably the best option.

so there you have it. i'm feeling good and i have a plan... it's going to be a good month! now i'm going to eat my lunch and pull out my response & advantage cards... time to get back on track with those!

it's a process

made it to the gym yesterday and did my intervals. i was going to do c25k, but decided to try the galloway method, which would give me more recovery time between jogs. i did 1 min jog/4 min walk for an hour and covered just under 4 miles (walk was 3.7 until the last 2 intervals & jog was 4.8). the first half hour was good, i recovered well and felt fine... but the last half was much rougher... my hr just wasn't coming down as far as it probably should've. i actually skipped the 2nd to last jog because my hr was just too high. i'm going to talk to my trainer tomorrow to get his thoughts on how to approach this... i really want to be able to just go out and jog... eventually!

it wasn't a fantastic food day. it started fine, my usual breakfast. came home from the gym and had a protein shake. then it was off to help my sister pack/move, so i had a luna bar for lunch. by the time i got home, it was about 5:30 and i'd had just over 600 calories to eat, so i was starving! thankfully, my husband reminded me that i should probably have a snack, so cottage cheese and crackers did the trick. and then we decided to go out to dinner... red robin... i know what to order there that's not bad. but we started arguing on the way there... so i had a beer... then another... and a few fries... and ordered my chicken sandwich with the bun instead of lettuce. then we got home and i was still cranky... so i had some chocolate. total damage for the day was around 2500. on the bright side, i did burn just over 3000, so at least i was still at a deficit.

clearly i need to figure out a better way to deal with the emotions that come up when things get tense with hubby... beer, food & chocolate ARE NOT THE ANSWER!!!

today has been good so far... and will continue to be good for the rest of the day. i'm probably heading back to my sister's to help clean the apartment and move the last of the stuff (isn't it amazing how much STUFF there is when it's time to move?). i still need to get out for a walk with the dog, but that's probably going to be after i'm done with sis.

i need to get back to reading my response & advantage cards and figure out when i can do the eating experiments. those are going to be tough because of my workout schedule, but i think it's important that i at least try!

overall, it was a good week. one bad meal does not undo a week of good eating and exercise. i should be posting a loss for january... though it won't be nearly as much as i had hoped for. the good days out numbered the days with room for improvement... and i'm happy with that!

owie

working out with my trainer + spin = OWIE!!! i'm was so sore yesterday, and not much better today!

thursday was a good day, and so was yesterday. i didn't read my response cards or advantage cards, but i was mindful of my eating and felt good overall. today i'm going to be helping my sister pack and do some moving... maybe painting, too. i'm not sure what time i need to get over there, but my plan is to head to the gym for some treadmill intervals before we get started (i'm leaving as soon as i get this posted!).

did i mention that my trainer wants me to do the st patty's day dash (3.7 miles)? that gives me about 6 weeks to train... which is why i need to get to the gym! i've got 2 trips planned between now and the race (3/14), i'm really going to need to stay focused if i want to do this!! i'm hoping that the spin classes i've been taking will help with my stamina, because it would be really great to be able to jog the whole thing (walking 3.7 miles isn't really a challenge... except for the starting at 8:30am part!).

so that's what's going on with me. almost forgot, the scale is doing exactly what it's supposed to do when i'm on track. i'll be posting an actual weight on monday, and i'm confident i'll be showing a loss for january!

alright... off to the gym for me!

I'm back

Why do I do that? Stop blogging. Stop tracking. Stop caring.

Vegas was great. I actually did well with my eating, and even though I didn't get to the gym in the hotel, I still got plenty of exercise. I came home and was actually down a pound. But my whole schedule was just off. There wasn't any good food in the house, so I pretty much ate crap for 5 days… I'm sure it didn't help that it was also TOM. But I went shopping on Sunday and have been back on track since then. As of this morning, I'm back to my post Vegas weight. I've got my Beck book, journal and response cards with me and am picking up where I left off… making today my day 4.

Today is strength training followed by spin… so exercise is covered. Back to focusing on slowing down when I'm eating and really being mindful. Not sure why that seems to be so hard for me, but I guess that just means there's plenty of room to improve!!

My sister is having surgery today, so I'm going to see her after work. That might make dinner plans a bit off, but I'm going to take a Luna bar with me just in case I'm stuck.

Posting this from my iPhone, so I'm going to cut it short. I'll update later with how the day went!

check in day 3

oops... i'm a little late with this! yesterday was pretty good. down .4 lbs. i read my response and advantage cards, wrote down a few memories and gave my self lots of credit for doing well and making good choices. so, friday is out to lunch day. we usually go to the same place every week and i order the same thing (i've got the nutritional info, so i know what i'm working with). but we decided to go somewhere else for lunch... and it's a place that doesn't have their info available, so i had to make the best choice i could. thankfully, the friend i was with is doing weight watchers, so also tries to find healthy choices. in the end, we split the daily lunch special, which was a crab cake sandwich (it was pretty small and the crab cake was baked) and a steak salad (dressing on the side). i felt pretty good about that choice... and then they brought out the bread basket. neither one of us said anything about it... but neither of us touched it either... go us!! then they brought out our lunch. they were kind enough to split everything in the kitchen, which was nice... but that also meant we both got full servings of sweet potato fries. and i had a moment when the response cards really worked. i hadn't PLANNED for the fries. would you care to guess how many of them i ate? that would be not a single one... go me!!!

i did a bit of walking around yesterday, but not anything that i can really count as exercise... if it was 10 minutes i'd be surprised. so i'm calling it my rest day, and will resume tonight with a walk with the dog after dinner. speaking of dinner, we're going out for birthday dinner with a friend to a greek restaurant. they don't have nutritional info, but they do have their menu posted. so i will be ordering a souvlaki salad with chicken... dressing on the side. i may order a cup of avgolemino soup (so yummy!) if people are ordering appetizers... but we'll see!

was down another .6 this morning, and so far so good with how my day has gone. i leave in the morning for las vegas, and have been thinking about how i can do my best there. i'm thinking that i'll do lots of walking around instead of just parking myself at a slot machine... and i'm taking workout clothes and plan to get at least 30 minutes on the treadmill each day. i won't be able to weigh in while i'm gone, but i know i can be smart about things! TOM is due to start mid-week... so who knows what the scale will say wednesday morning (i get home tuesday night). so this is probably my last post til tuesday or wednesday... but don't worry... i'll be back!

day 2 check-in

well, today went pretty well. i weighed myself this morning and was down 1.2 lbs from yesterday (and back to my pre-weekend WTF weight). i made a point of eating more slowly today, though i did still eat at my desk at lunch. when i was cleaning up after dinner last night, i resisted the urge to just have a few more bites... i was done eating and wasn't sitting down, so no nibbles for me. i must say, i was pretty proud of myself for that. i did have a little slip up this morning when i was getting my food ready for the day and i licked the spoon i had used to dish out a snack. i did it automatically without even thinking, but as soon as i did it, i realized that even though there was virtually nothing on the spoon... that's part of the habit that i need to break.

it was my friend's birthday today, and she wanted to go out for a drink after work. my initial response was to say no, but then i looked at my food for the day and decided that i could make it fit into my plan. i had two drinks and 2 pieces of a 6 inch pizza (thin crust, very light cheese) and counted that as my afternoon snack. and even after eating dinner, i was still within my calorie range for the day. so i consider that a success!

today was also my day to lift weights with my trainer, followed by an hour long spin class. last week was the first time i did them together, and i was HURTING. today was still rough, but much better than last week. the best part about spin is that if i keep it up, by spring i'll be able to go on some nice bike rides on my own bike!

so my struggle continues to be around slowing down and focusing just on eating when i eat. i can't seem to shake this feeling of needing to do something else at the same time! i think if i follow thru on making space for a table at home and making myself leave my desk at work, it'll be easier to really focus on savoring my food. tomorrow, i'm going out to lunch with a friend... it's our regular friday thing... so i'll just focus on eating more slowly.

i'm really liking having the response cards and find that they're already making an impact on my thinking. but i'm not going to take it for granted and stop... i'm going to keep reading them every day until i reach the point that i wake up in the morning with the thoughts already in my head! i'm going to make this work! i have the tools i need and the support of other people on this journey with me! i can... and i will... succeed!

diet buddy

so i'm reading/working the beck diet for life, and one of the tasks is to find a diet buddy. since i don't have any people around me that can be there for me every day, i've decided to use this blog as my diet buddy... so that means i will be updating daily (unless i'm out of town... which does happen on occassion!). i will also be checking in with my trainer twice a week, and will most likely share the book with him once i'm done reading it (for the first time... i have a feeling it's one that i might need to go back and re-read every once in a while!). anyway, in my daily posts you can expect to see:
~daily change in weight
~whether i completed my tasks
~plan for how i will complete tasks the next day for tasks i don't complete
~requests for help in figuring out what to do

so far, it feels like my biggest challenge is eating slowly and enjoying every bite. i tend to not pay much attention when i'm eating at home because i'm sitting on the couch in front of the tv or laptop (no dining room table in the house!). i also tend to snack while i'm preparing food or cleaning up after meals, so i need to put a stop to that as well. when i'm at work, i usually work thru lunch and eat at my desk. so i need to figure out some better options that will allow me to focus on enjoying and savoring my food. the ideas i've come up with will require some work on my part to prepare, so it will take a few days to make them happen, but here's what i'm thinking.

for home - clear a small space in the corner of the kitchen that's big enough for a tiny table and make that my designated eating area at home

for work - no more eating at my desk. there are other vacant desks in my office, and starting tomorrow, i will eat there.

tonight will be the first day of completing the success skills checklist... i'll post how i did tomorrow!

WTF???

so i was cruising right along... feeling good... doing what i needed to do... and then it all fell apart. i haven't exercised or tracked my food since thursday... and my eating has been pretty bad. i've been trying to figure out WHY and i've come up with a few things.

first, my husband left town on thursday night, so i've been home alone. we went out to dinner before he left and i logged my food and was over on calories. but that was ok because i lifted weights and did a spin class that day, so i really wasn't too concerned. but when i got home from dropping him off at the airport at 11:30pm, instead of just going to bed, i ate some leftovers from dinner the night before... which put me WAY over on calories for the day. i ended up staying up way too late, and had to get up for work in the morning... plus i had plans to go out to lunch AND out for drinks after work for a friends birthday. not enough sleep + not my usual meal plan + drinks = bad news! should've had a light dinner, but instead i polished off the rest of the leftovers from wednesday night! and yesterday i didn't have any of my usual foods (going grocery shopping shortly!!), so was eating whatever was around... not good.

for some reason, when i'm home alone, i seem to get it into my head that i can go off plan. and what's bizarre is that it's not like my husband CARES what i eat, so why i feel compelled to eat crap when he's NOT here is just beyond me. i don't think i'm lonely... but maybe i am. and i'm sure the lack of sleep & drinks just made it that much easier for me to not care.

another thing that i thought about is that i've started reading beck diet for life, which i'm really hoping is going to help me get my head on straight. but i think there's part of me that looks at actually starting the work as another diet day 1... so i need to eat all the crap that i won't be able to eat anymore. i know... totally backwards since that totally NOT what beck is about!

so, what am i going to do now? clearly i have some work to do! i did go out today and got the supplies i need for beck (cards, journal, etc), and i'm about to plan the menu for the week and go grocery shopping. i'm going to log the food i've had so far today and get back on the wagon with that, too.

i hate that i have to fight myself to do what i need to do. why can't my brain just get on board with this???

new trainer

i had my first workout with my new trainer this morning, and it went really well! i think he's going to be a good fit for me. he's already made me commit to going to spin class with him tomorrow at lunch time and again on thursday after we finish our next workout. so yay for good change!

as much as i hate having to get up early, i feel so much better during the day when i work out earlier. we still haven't figured out what our regular schedule is going to be... he wants to wait until he can see some of the data from my bodybugg to see what my burn is during different activities... so that makes sense. if things go well on thursday with the workout/spin combo, that might be our regular schedule... who knows.

walking the dog last night was really nice, even though it was raining a bit. thankfully, i went shortly after i got home instead of waiting until after dinner. i've noticed that if i go to late, i have a really hard time getting to sleep... i'm blaming it on the exercise endorphins! the plan is to take her out when i get home tonight as well, and then i think tomorrow is going to be the big day to try to get back to morning walks... we'll see how that goes!

i'm still tracking my food... today is day 9! i feel more in control when i track... i'm not really sure why. i suppose in some ways it takes away the temptation. do i really want to figure out how to log that? sometimes the answer is yes. but more often than not, it's no. so i just stick with what i've planned and go on with my day. i guess the next thing i need to figure out is what are the things that have caused me to STOP tracking and come up with a plan for the future. it's easier to do that when things are going well that when i've derailed!

i'm feeling good about how things are going and hope that feeling sticks around. i've started thinking about my upcoming trip to las vegas. i need to come up with a plan for myself about how to make the best of it. my biggest concern is that not only will i be eating out for every meal and drinking way more than usual (which is not much at all!) and not exercising as strenuously... but i'm pretty sure i'll be battling the pms demons at the same time. it could be a recipe for disaster... so i really need a plan! guess i know what i'll be thinking about on my walk tonight!

no more lazy mornings

i'm not a morning person, but i've realized that there are not enough waking hours for me to be lazy in the morning... so something's gotta give! tomorrow morning i'm going to work out with my new trainer at 9am, so that's a start. i talked to him this morning and i'm getting more and more excited about the change. he (strongly) encourages the people he trains to take a spin class with him on mondays and wednesdays, so i've got those on my calendar now. i'm not sure if i'll be able to make it every time as it's a 12pm class, which means being out of the office from 11:30-1:30 (need time to get there, change, shower, etc), but i'm going to try. this is also part of what prompted my first comment about not being lazy in the morning! one of my problems is figuring out what to do about walking my dog. when i do cardio at the gym, i get this thing in my head that tells me i don't need to go for a walk... but the dog doesn't agree! and the reality is that i can't have too much activity in a day, so i need to turn off the voice that tells me that cardio at the gym entitles me to sit on my butt for the rest of the day!

my plan for tomorrow is to do cardio after my workout, so it'll be a good burn day! and it'll also be a good oportunity for me to practice quieting the voice in my head!!

tonight is definitely a walk night... even if it is raining. i need to stop making excuses for myself and just get myself back in the habit of MOVING!!! i'll let you know how that goes!

haven't done that in a long time

i went to the gym today and lifted weights... all by myself! i honestly can't remember the last time i did that. i used to lift on my own at least 2-3 days a week... and that was in addition to 1 or 2 with my trainer! and then i got lazy. maybe not lazy. i just went from being unemployed to working full time. i do miss being unemployed... especially when it comes to exercise. for that 6 months, i was spending 2+ hours a day in the gym almost every day... and i felt fantastic! but working full time and taking care of all of the other things i need to do... well, 2 hours a day just isn't realistic. but what is? is it realistic to think that i have 1 hour a day to spend at the gym? we make time for things that are important, so i suppose on a lot of levels, it really comes down to me deciding it's important enough to make the time.

in other news, i finally got my copy of the complete beck diet for life. there's a group of people, spearheaded by jen of priorfatgirl.com fame, all reading it, so i figured i'd jump on board. i have the other beck book, but i've never actually read it, but i've heard good things about it, so i'm hopeful about this one. so much of my lack of success with losing weight is in my head... so i'm going to actually take the time and do the work and see if i can tame the negative voices in my head!!!

i've been weighing myself daily again, because that's what worked for me in the past. i was up .2 lbs yesterday and another .4 today, but i'm not stressing about it. i know i've been doing what i need to do and i'll continue with that. if i see a big jump, then i'll be worried! for now, i'm chalking it up to normal daily fluctuations. and besides, i'm only having an official weigh in once a month!

balance

i tracked my food again yesterday, so that's now 5 days in a row... it's been a while since that happened! i didn't get out for any cardio... instead i spent the day waiting for hubby to decide what he wanted to do. i tend to put what i want/need to do on hold OFTEN because i'm waiting to see what HE wants to do, and i really need to figure out a better solution, because more often than not, it ends up with both of us doing nothing, and that's not really working for me!!

i've got my list of things that i want/need to do this weekend, and that list includes getting to the gym for cardio & weights! now i just need to figure out what i'm doing today and what can wait til tomorrow.

it's so frustrating sometimes. we both work full time, but when he gets home, his work is done and my second job is just beginning. i've tried to explain to him that i need his help... i need him to TAKE RESPONSIBILITIES for some of the stuff involved in keeping the house in order (and by take responsibility, i mean do things without being asked), but so far, it hasn't worked. so instead, i continue to struggle with finding time to do everything... taking care of myself, the house, the dog AND him! i wish i could get him to embrace a healthier lifestyle, because then that would be something that I NEED TO DO that we could do together, but i don't see that happening any time soon.

it seems like when i get to the point that i'm really trying to focus on me and taking care of myself, things between he and i suffers. and historically, things get to a point where i feel like i either need to end things or just cave and go back to how things have always been. what i need to do is find a happy medium, where i can take care of myself and have him be supportive by helping out. but i can only change myself, so that's what i'm going to do... focus on me! i just hope he can figure out how to be a part of that instead of making me feel like he's just one more obstacle for me to overcome!

january 1, 2010

got on the scale this morning for a starting weight... 228.0. i'm not happy with it, but it is what it is... and it's going downhill from here! i'm going to post my weight on the 1st of each month... so we'll see what kind of progress i make!

last night was very low key. we took the dog for a walk, watched the ball drop in times square, watched the fireworks at the space needle and called it a night. i bought a bottle of champagne, but didn't even open it. and somehow i managed to forget to eat dinner last night! i couldn't figure out why i was STARVING at 11:30, which was way to late for dinner, so i had a big spoonful of peanut butter and called it good. ended up at 1049 calories for the day... oops! after the workout at the gym and the walk, i'm pretty sure my body was wanting more than that, but oh well. at least i know i was at a calorie deficit for the day!

my first workout with my new trainer is going to be on tuesday, so that means 4 days without strength training unless i work out on my own. so i'm thinking that i'm going to get myself to the gym this weekend and finally get myself back into workout out on my own. i love having a trainer and the accountability, but i'd rather have that money for other things... and i know what i need to do, so i need to just do it! i definitely need to get some cardio in as well. hopefully the weather will be ok, so i can just walk with the dog. it's hard because i much prefer walking with the dog, but i know that i get a better workout on the cardio equipment at the gym. what to do?!

i do need to go shopping soon for new sports bras and workout clothes... maybe this weekend. it's so hard to find clothes in my size that are appropriate for working out!! but the bras can't wait... i really should do that this weekend! and i know the girls will thank me!